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# 1. "A Collection of Top Chef 2 Haikus"

Tattooed biker judged
Mixed drinks and appetizers
Penicillin shot?

Seven deadly sins.
Cliff cries “that’s f---ing awesome!”
Weakest dish ever.

Anorexic twit
Sits next to Colicchio.
Popcorn is the best?

Frank went to the beach
Screwed up a crust for a quiche
No one likes quiche, Frank.

Mama Mia quits
Saw the writing on the wall
Back to selling rock!

I sometimes wonder
Why his toothbrush was in there.
Mushroom fantasy.

Bada bing Betty
Soup two hundred fifty ways.
“That’s not crème brulee.”

Michael, so laid back.
Cheeto on a Snickers bar.
Screw today’s Quickfire.

Otto didn’t know
If the lychees had been free.
Thrown under the bus.

# 2 "And The Winner is..... "

Let's review, shall we, this macabre circus brought to us badly, by freakish offspring of Barnum and Bailey. Bravo!!

Sam, I am, is about 5 years too old to pull off the "I'm so sexy, I don't need a comb" do. And about 25 years too old for "I'm going to hold my breath till I turn blue". Passive-Aggressive schemer as Top-Chef? That's a bad dreamer. Sam, I am, is out, I say out, due to his demeanor. My advice to Sam, I am, is soap, shave and shampoo. Repeat as needed.

You can get anything you want at Elia's Restaurant, all kidding aside. If you don't mind waiting for her 19th nervous breakdown to subside. Perhaps I'm a bitch to the core and too crass but when you say "I Quit", I say, "That's it" and slam the door on your ass. Good-bye! Adios, Muchacha.

Ilan can cook, and that's nice. For example,Faux- Spanish Rice.And Ilan can bake a Faux-Spanish Cake. Ilan and talent? He has oodles. He shows us that with Faux- Spanish Noodles. He shows his range, and great elan, by making us some Faux-Spanish Flan. I kind of like him with the new bald dome. What was that he said about someone else being too REPETITIVE by using Foam? What was that he said about someone else being too REPETIIVE by using Foam?

Which leaves us with, the Marcelled One. Our mischevious culinary Napoleon. The battle of Waterloo, my friends, was won on the playing fields of Eton. Marcel's plates look good but food is for eating. Too often, we heard bad comments on that from the Judge's seating.

So, 4 are left...and push.....has.....come...to....shove....

The winner should be:

NONE OF THE ABOVE

# 3 "The Ballad Of The "Bully-Gang"
Yesterday in old Las Vegas
Mr. Vigneron was 'bused.
Now they got the "gang" that did it
On a charge Marcel was used.
Some folks say they just was playin',
Others say they made him pay,
'Cause they all agreed the guy just wasn't all that damn soignee.

(chorus)
Oh, you can't clip your castmate down in old Las Vegas
Not even if it's meant to be in fun.
No, you can't chop your top chef down in old Las Vegas
You know someone'll pack their knives 'n run.

Well, they got him on the sofa
Where he'd gone to take a nap.
They'd been drinkin'; wasn't thinkin
When they thought to shear his cap.
Now, Cliff, he played the muscle man,
And Sam was set to shear.
Ilan was there to film it all,
With Elia there to cheer.

(chorus)
Oh, you can't shear your bunkmate down in old Las Vegas
Not even if you're tired of his cuisine.
No, you can't buzz old 'Foamy' down in old Las Vegas
You know it's almost sure to cause a scene.

Well, Cliff, he tried to hold him down,
Ilan was camera-ready.
Sam was laughin' up a storm.
Their nerves were moonshine-steady.
But in the end, the little guy,
he up and ran away,
Surely pissed, but "shorn-ly" missed--guess "Foam" don't play 'dat way!

(chorus)
Oh, you can't clip your castmate down in old Las Vegas
And then blame all the damage on moonshine.
No, you can't call him "Chop Chef" down in old Las Vegas
You know the judges won't approve the whine.

Well, they didn't get to shave Marcel.
They kinda chickened out.
But never one to be outdone,
Ilan just had to shout,
"Let's shave our own, since Foamy, he's done run away and hid!"
He said "Elia, cut it out!" and that's exactly what she did.

(chorus)
Oh, you can't shave your a$$es down in old Las Vegas
And then expect to not hear "Let's evict 'em!"
No, you can't save your a$$es down in old Las Vegas
You know the boards'll scream "don't blame the victim!"

So, now they want the"Bully-Gang."
Well, them that's left, they say.
Since Cliff was axed, and asked to pack his bags that fateful day.
The others roam, without their foam, a "pack" that some comdemn.
Like musketeers, they've heard the jeers of "Foul Ad Hominem!"

"Hang 'em high!" the boards'll say.
"They can't treat poor Marcel that way!"
But he'll be back, and we'll all watch
him say "I'm not your b!tch, beeyotch!"

Yes, we can moan, and we'll still fight, but we'll be back next
Wednesday night.
Just lock your doors, 'cause threats don't faze 'er.
Here comes Elia with a brand new razor!!!

# 4 "Elimination Ode"
Froglegs? Cornflakes? Escargot?
Sorry, Suyai, you had to go.

The "Pho. Pho? PHO." tasted great
But Otto was a victim of Lycheegate.

Bada Bing Soup made them shout
But Emiliy's fire got put out.

Camp Glucose's kids were really cool.
Do you think Betty broke the rules?

Josie and Marisa blew the "Social" scene
When they went out, it was as a team.

Carlos, sweet Carlos, of HiLife Cafe
Seems that Thanksgiving is just not your day.

The chefs had a great time out on the beach
A quiche for Frank was just out of reach.

Good hearted Mia made a fuss
And finally threw HERSELF under the bus.

Betty's soups were lazy and slooooow
But she quickly had to goooooo.

Mike pulled off a double win
But an errant olive pit did him in.

A horrible headlock took out Cleef
And Marcel kept his hair by the skin of his teeth.

And now there are four
That's all that are left
Soon Padma will say
"Congratulations, Top Chef!"

# 5 "Haiku for Otto"

Wants to feed the world
Serves Jesus a veggie meal
Otto is the one



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